Last week, I asked for a divorce. Ok, so I hear you saying, “You aren’t married.” Yep, and I still want a divorce.
A friend recently disclosed what led to his divorce when I said to him, “I really admire you for having the courage to leave.” I paused. Then I continued. “I wish more people would do the same,” I said. “Folks need to leave emotionally and physically abusive relationships to open themselves to being loved, cared for and maybe even happy.”
I love saying big, bold statements. I also love applying these big, bold statements to myself knowing that in some way, I’m always talking about me. ??
I have to be honest. For most of my life, I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship with a little girl. A girl who always wanted to be loved, liked and accepted. A girl who only cared about other’s approval. During some periods, she was more present than others. Even during this quarantine, she had the nerve to show up. When the markets took a huge hit, she scolded me for not having seen it coming. If something didn’t go my way, if someone didn’t respond to a text or if I was criticized she would in no uncertain terms let me know that I wasn’t worthy of love.
I don’t know if I loved her, but I felt I needed her. Her demand for excellence kept me driven. Her wanting me to look “right,” talk “right” and be “right” forced a high bar of excellence. We were married and did nothing without the other. She needed me and I needed her. She was happy when things were good – she lost it when they were not. I got tired of her temperamental attitude. I got tired of her constant scolding. I got tired of her emotional rollercoasters and that’s when I asked for my divorce! I wanted “out” of an unloving relationship and “in” to a relationship where I could be loved, where I could be exactly who I was and where I could be free.
So, if over the next few weeks you notice weird behaviors, like involuntary smiling while walking through the streets or random bursts of tears, just excuse me. I’m going through a divorce. I’m divorcing that ego part of me so I can be free.
Dorcas is a licensed therapist and a member of the One Love Choir at Oneness.
